so I have this game called 14 beers left. and we both have to drink 7 before we leave
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
Randomize
