I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
It went from "haha, this will be funny" to "full blown anime porn fetish"
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar