Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
and you said cock pushups were impossible
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.