Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
Ryan Reynolds porn could be a WMD. Have a giant TV on the front of your tank, and just drive around playing it. Everyone dies of orgasm overload.
That's it. Iraq is done. Everyone dies, game over man.
her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.