What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
He passed out mid-signature
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
Last time i was there we saw the window of the pizza place we were at get busted, we were pulled out of a taxi to be questioned by the cops, and we peed outside a waffle house. I'm in.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Randomize
