When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
Randomize
