I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
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