I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
We got so high we made milksteak
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
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