Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
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