you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
We're doing it in the traditional way of discussing why we dislike each other while sharing a bowl. Just like the natives do.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
Randomize
