If she sucks any more cock I swear she will be a spermivore
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
Randomize
