I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
