At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
Randomize
