she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
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