I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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