I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
