So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
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