Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
i've decided to use this saturday afternoon to take care of my pube situation
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
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