I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
Randomize
