Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
I just got three pairs of underwear free and a bathing suit for $20 by modeling them and letting the salesman grope me a bit.
It's great being a young gay man in Chicago!
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
