life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
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