Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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