Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Randomize
