i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
Randomize
