the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
Update: it wasn't just our driver. This ticket confirms that the Royal Oak PD also found our behavior on the party bus to be "Lewd and Indecent."
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
I don't know what to think. Also, I decided to take a bath...sorry in advance if I flood the bathroom.
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Randomize
