it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
How do the freshmen here NOT understand the tricks we are playing on them by now? Doesn't bode well for grad numbers. Idiots.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
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