Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
After last night's events, I googled "how to change your life direction." I found a really helpful ehow.com article.
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
Randomize
