i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
thanks for not wanting to stay all night or talk or anything, nice to have a fuck buddy who really doesnt take the buddy part serious
I'm all about the fuck
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