nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
Help me help you realize you are a moron
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
