I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
My butt remains clenched, sir.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
Randomize
