Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
Does having sex in the men's bathroom on the boardwalk count as having sex on the beach?
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
there's only 1 girl at Mount St Mary that's a virgin. the Mary statue standing outside
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Randomize
