...So a 6 ft tall drag queen in heels I would kill for just told me I have a dunkable ass. I'm confused...but I'll take any compliment I can.
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
Randomize
