I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
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