My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
Randomize
