I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
Randomize
