Apparently they shut down a cook out cause people were selling drugsout the drive thru. Nice to be home
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
So squirting runs in the family.
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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