I'm skeptical of all drag queens.
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
