Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
