MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
we're like Indians of the 21st century. trading not for food and survival but personal gain and by trouble you mean getting daytime drunk and going to the roller ring then yes.
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
You need a sexual gate keeper
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
Randomize
