Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
I'm not sure... But I think I just found a porno I starred in during my black out week of '08.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
Randomize
