Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
I'll report later on the progress of the mountain orgy
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
Randomize
