Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
Randomize
