If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
Randomize
