the last time I saw her she was leaving the mens bathroom and club rush with her dress inside out. typical tease.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
