Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
Just puked most of my soul out..
Randomize
