I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
It would be one hovered percent delicioui
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
the funny thing was, all i remember was a liter of vodka and going to oneonta for the night. then 2 weeks later bam, i get a letter banning me from campus for the next 4 years. awesome convorsation with my dad to wake up to.
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