you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
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