We named our party play list daddy issues
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
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