I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
Randomize
