Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
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