Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
Randomize
