My cat gives me a boner
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
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