I can't belive they dont sell booze Sunday mornings. I mean some of us have to work
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
be right there i have to get my cape
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
Randomize
