dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
I am still worried she'll have a seizure durring. What would I do? Try to ride it out and finish, or pull out and assist?
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
