Got a toothbrush?
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
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