so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
But you've got to admit , for how blackout I was I look fucking unreal in those pictures
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
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