the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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